Dear First Love,
If you thought I was about to address some boy, then you’re sadly mistaken
Oh no no, I’m talking about his first love.
You’re about to click off either because you wanted some witty “I’ve learned so much from you & im better without you” rant or you don’t even want to address the girl your man has loved before you.
Not to bum you out but she still exists even if you block her on social media (I’ve tried it already).
But if you happen to want to stick with me you might hear what I’m going to admit to and maybe feel less pathetic about yourself.
There he is, your boy, munchkin, baby, man, man-baby; smiling, laughing. You’re having a grand old time watching him stuff his face with food until you remember the talk you had months before about previous relationships:
“I’m not gunna lie to you, I loved her”
He squashed that bit of truth inbetween an abundant confession of his love for you.
You thank him for his ability to be open about the —pretty—elephant in the room
Yet you can’t get that sentence out of your mind. Pretty soon you’re thinking about her more than you are of him.
She’s everywhere and knows everyone.
She’s on your “suggested” list on instagram. She pops up on your twitter timeline just as you started to forget about her. She’s even still best buddies with all his friends.
How many times have you looked over her profile? Painstakingly scrolling through trying to not like that 7 month old picture of her and her newer bf at some party.
Even with clear evidence that she has moved on you still have to compare.
The truth is, no matter how far in the past their relationship is, you’ll never get over it.
Because she got him first.
It’s one of the biggest, lamest tricks our minds like to play on us.
You start feeling like silver in comparison to gold. Its like you’re trying to beat her fastest lap time with your ankles tied and six beers deep. Like she’s cheer captain and you’re on the damn bleachers (sprained ankles and all).
Even better: the cheer squad is dancing to “I Hit It First” by RayJ and this is just about as bad as the nightmare can get.
Insecurity and comparison kill.
I repeat, insecurity and comparison kill.
And if you think you can carry on in such a state of mind, then you’re in for a rude awakening when it starts to eat away at you every minute of every hour.
I cannot pretend to not be phased because let’s be real, my experience with my partner is a result of their experience with their ex. There’s always some remnants lingering in ways ranging from an old picture you dig up to the way he handles conflict learned by his experience with his past partner.
There’s just always something there.
The past like a third person in the room. Uninvited company.
I know it’s crazy, but these are the darkest, weakest parts of being vulnerable to another human being.
How do we heal our own insecurities? How do we get over pasts that are not our own, but have adopted and dissected under our own lens?