can i write about you

can i write about you

& the way we could read each other’s minds with just a look. it was routine to just wake up and be in our own world. a duo that was the envy of others, we were still unaware of those around us no matter the crowd. you knew me inside out and i knew you. there were promises. promises of raising our kids together and being each others’ maid of honor. promises of judgement free zones and honesty and open doors. there were those late summer nights after work in my jeep. laughing until our stomachs burned. movie nights on the couch and take out. sharing beds and blankets and secrets. the city still screams those memories back at me everytime i retrace our steps. my 18 year old self had no fear by your side. what would life be without you, bestfriend?

can i write about you

unless you’ve forgotten our not-so-fun moments. the crying, the arguing, the voicemails begging eachother to stay. reminding eachother that we were two halves of a whole. we would resort to sending each other a slew photos & videos to jog memories of why we should stick by one another. you hurt me. i hurt you. that terrified me. how could someone i trusted with my life dig so deep? betrayal made me cold and you, bestfriend– would surely notice. i did a lot of trying to explain my emotions and you did a lot of questioning. i still feel like you wonder why this turned out this way. a part of me hopes you still wonder so that i could at least explain, at least apologize for everything that has happened.

can i write about you

or has it been too long? have we gone back and forth too much that we’ve lost our flow–our natural ability to gel together. would it be too forced to make it work? you still tried even after I pushed you away. too much back and forth has made us tired and we are not those same kids on the track on a spring afternoon. bestfriend, we’ve exerted and built and broken ourselves over and over again that I can only be sure that I know your name now, but nothing more.

After all that there’s no “we” or “us”. There’s no “always” “anytime” or “forever”. it was a habit to claim you as my best friend so forgive me if i ever slip up. we are cordial, polite. short convos. every so often a “how are you” if either of us passes through the other’s mind.

i still have those voicemails and memos. i still remember your voice on the other side of the line saying through tears:

“please, Jaylan stay…”

so i stayed.

i stayed but you’re no where to be found, bestfriend. i still miss you. i’m here where you left me. or i left you. you know where to find me. i don’t even think you’re looking…

but for now, can i write about you?

because i can’t write to you anymore.

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