I’m not the world’s best person. I’m incredibly impulsive and sometimes a little too jealous. I can be distant or a little pushy when I feel the impeding weight of time.
But God do I love people, and I love them to the end. I love them more than they love me. I might love them more than they love themselves. God help me.
Of course in this world we walk amongst millions and billions of other human beings, 196 countries, thousands of cities and some of us have the liberty to see it all. This awakens humans’ greatest ability: choice.
The ability to decipher what you do and don’t want. Who you do and don’t want. The ability to say “I want this. I want this more than I ever wanted anything”
With all this in mind, my compassionate, sensitive yet jealous self has trouble wrapping my brain around other people’s choices. Why they choose to act the way they do. Why they choose to treat people the way they do. It’s a consuming thought, bathed in half curiosity half pain as I realize not everyone’s choices are going to make me feel too good. Some people’s choices are going to hurt. And they’re going to hurt really really bad.
I’d like to say the greatest thing I’ve ever done is realizing someone’s decision is more about them than it is about me. But I’m sorry, I’m not there yet, but it’s the greatest thing I’m learning to do.
But let me share what I’m learning. Maybe it’ll manifest itself. And maybe I’ll get over all this;
Someone’s decision is not a reflection of how valuable I am as a human being. Their decision to not love me does not mean I don’t deserve it, it means their love is not for me. Someone’s love is, and I’ll find them, or they’ll find me, eventually.
I can’t pretend that I don’t tirelessly pick apart everything some people do, because I do. Every little word, every little move, noted. As someone that is seemingly aware of every little atom of my being, I believe other people operate just like that. And that’s just not true.
As much as I love people, they also have this ability to make you feel so incredibly small. So insignificant and easily disposable. Whether they know they’re inflicting pain or not is a difficult thing to discern and it’s probably best that I don’t know. Yes, there are some evil people out there. But there are good people that just make evil decisions.
Choices, are a beautiful thing. You can argue whether choices are more often made selfishly than selflessly. But I’m going to believe people don’t have the most malicious intentions as we think. I’m going to believe there are people out there that act out of love, because I can’t be the only one.
I’m trying to grow and I’m trying to heal and I’m trying love.
And I’m learning to not make someone else’s choice a consuming entity in my life. Because God do I love people, and I believe I deserve someone that loves me too.
And that’s the greatest thing I ever did.