out of the loop

In so many ways I’m out of the loop. I would not be able to put a name to a face if you lined up all these new rappers and asked me to name them. I have no idea what’s in theaters these days. I think there are people in my graduating highschool class that are literally engaged. Half of my hometown friends could be in another country. But I wouldn’t know because I avoid Facebook and Instagram like the plague. I’m really a “post my stuff & go” kind of girl. You will never catch me scrolling.

And maybe it’s because I’m mostly not interested. Don’t get me wrong, this is not some holier-than-though spiel. I’m just being real. How many times can I really like the same pictures from the same people partying with their same friends every weekend? I mean, I still like the picture. But really.

And maybe it’s out of fear, fear of life happening. Lives happening. All at once. At a seemingly faster and more exciting pace than mine. Because of course, I’m the queen of comparison and take my title seriously. You may bow down now.

I just like minding my own business. I like people having to ask me directly what I’m up to, not being able to just look me up and put it together themselves. If they really want to know, they’ll ask. I like control. Control of what people see. But even more importantly, control of what I see.

It’s super nitpicky. Maybe too sensitive. Some may call it pathetic. But it’s all out of anxiety.

And this anxiety is always concentrated around people I’m close to or more precisely, used to be close to. I have yet to have my doctorate in psychology but I’ll attempt to break down my thought process here.

It’s one thing to watch complete strangers live their life. Surely they’ve had a completely different life from mine. Different paths. Different opportunities. But the problem comes in when looking at people I know is that there’s this moment of: “Wait. These people around me are all so happy. I have to be doing something wrong.” How would else would you explain their successful social media image versus my own life and internal struggles.

But it’s not all so simple. I’m taking everything so deeply when I should be taking it for face value. I’m looking at the best version of their life that they’re sharing while comparing my wins and losses with it. It’s terribly self destructive and so unneccesary. But believe me when I say I currently can’t help it. The comparisons,the unspoken race that we all seem to be running- It’s unbelievably overwhelming.

So for now, I’ll be hitting the block and unfollow buttons faithfully.

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