The worst kind of memories pop up when you’re in bed alone and have either stayed up, or had the pleasure of waking up at that weird 4am hour where it’s too late to really get a good sleep and too early to feel okay about it.
These memories are malicious at times, awakening the other parts of my mind to start creating all sorts of reasons why we’re feeling this low, what I did, what I said, what I shouldn’t have said…. what I could’ve… And I’m absolutely exhausted.
I’m past the ceiling into my mind’s eye wondering why I’m taunted by what didn’t go the way I had dreamed. And I’m always so obsessed with the past. As if I can edit what’s done. I really dislike that part of myself.
I prayed in the shower last night.
Weird I know, but considering I tend to cry when asking God for guidance in my life I felt it would be a little more discreet emerging with a wet face.
Tears have been welling up in my eyes more recently and not even in the case of sadness. More so frustration, or that overwhelmed feeling. But not sadness, I’m trying to have more grace.
I revisited the same questions last night.
Questions about value and substance and meaning. About what makes someone worth keeping. Where value lies whether it’s in looks or accomplishments or how someone makes you feel. I’m still kind of confused. But I’m firing off these questions to myself anyway.
How someone makes you feel…
How you make me feel…
What makes me worth keeping?
What would make you want to keep me?
I’m praying that someone will want to keep me one day.