duality

It’s a little bit strange the way my brain operates these days. There’s alot of over-thinking and groaning when I have a moment alone. I wish my mind didn’t revolve around my feelings about—or my feelings for— other people. It’s exhausting and never ending to think about a “him” or “that time” or “what could be”. I’m still struggling with that. I’m still wondering what if…

You can probably find me somewhere behind the wheel, still driving nowhere. Or anxiously tapping my fingers against my cell phone (whether the screen is on or not). Or even mid laugh realizing “oh yeah…something isn’t right…”

In my everyday situations where I need to perform as a normal adult are the strangest times. It’s these moments of this dual-identity or dual-conciousness I find myself slipping up more recently. I’ve cultivated a switch tactic to be able to stay on task. It seems, however, that the switch has been broken these days…Sometimes I just want to just spill my guts to a coworker but I revert to closing myself off and returning to my duties. Or even in these situations when I’m with friends I find myself taking on a tough, “I don’t care” persona when something has been gnawing on my insides forever.

I sound absolutely crazy, I know.

Half of me is over it. Open to the possibilites life has to offer. I’m thinking about everything I want to do. Everything I’m going to do. All the people I’m going to meet. That one person I’m going to meet. She’s the girl that forces herself to focus despite her distractions. She earns her GPA, her honors program status. She isn’t hung up on the past. She’s thinking about all the memories she’ll make…All the memories I’ll make…

The other half is…lost. Kind of angsty. A tad temperamental and way too drunk on nostalgia. She’s the girl playing that playlist that might as well have some guy’s name on it because in all honesty half of the songs remind her of him. She’s way too excited at the idea of showing off her social butterfly side but also rejects every advance by every guy since. She’s still reliving those memories…I’m still reliving those memories…

It’s currently 1am and I’ve chewed my lip to the point of bleeding trying to pull together the words to describe my mind these days.

Well, my minds these days.

 

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