who she was

At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Things feel stagnant yet still moving faster than before.

Kind of like when a fan moves so fast it looks like the blades aren’t moving at all.

There are people and memories I miss. Feelings I wish I could relive again. Times in my life that filled me with absolute excitement. There was an innocence to it all. Everything was so new.

New freedom,

New possibilities,

New experiences.

And I’m not saying I’m jaded at the ripe age of 21. It’s more of this sense of wariness. It kind of grips my shoulders and whispers into my ear before particular situations.

Going to that place where we’d go years ago? Be wary.

Driving through those winding tree lined roads at night? Be wary.

Might see someone you used to know so well? Be extra wary.

I’ve never felt so torn between wanting and not wanting to revisit old memories. I used to struggle. It used to hurt. But now it’s a matter of whether or not I should devote any mental energy to that. To the past. To the nostalgia.

I know that better things are ahead. Amazing things are happening. I feel better most days. I feel stronger and more capable of handling things that would’ve (and have) broken me down years ago. I do want to kick myself in the shin sometimes for ever looking back…but I do look over my shoulder once in a while…

But my God, what I would give for a little more innocence back. Naivity that kept me laughing non-stop and wanting those days to never end.

Those friends to never leave my side.

That happiness to never die.

It’s a fire in me that isn’t distinguished but is guarded. The flames seemingly muted by the experience of loss and the fear that I might lose something again.

That fear that hinders me from being the girl that used to do anything if you dared me.  The fear that snaps me back to reality when I start drifting away…

Who I was is still somewhere in me, fenced into a corner of my mind.

But naivity can’t be reclaimed. It’s instead replaced with wisdom earned by trial and error, and unfortunately– a lot of pain.

I can’t let go.

I’m still looking back.

One day for better or for worse, it’ll be for the last time.

 

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